Michigan

Eric Thomas: Chillaxin’ Brian Kelly

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(Photo by Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images)

(Photo by Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images)

Toughness is often looked upon as a virtue for a football coach, where hotheaded perfectionists can find refuge and millions of dollars. It’s a lazy cliché to see a red-faced coach dragging a hapless 18-year-old student by the face-mask to the bench when he committed the sin of oversight. Rich Rod did it, Nick Saban does it. But Brian Kelly had quite the meltdown on the sideline of Notre Dame’s loss to South Florida over the weekend.

This one was a real humdinger, especially for a school that values forgiveness. ESPN actually blurred out his mouth when they played the highlights. Brian Kelly needs to calm down. I applaud him for being passionate, but unless he wants the trainers to carry around pete-moss sized bags of Bayer aspirin for the rest of the season, he might want to take it easy.

Here are 5 real ways that Brian Kelly can calm down before the Michigan game.

5. Dr. Fish – Forward thinking spas in Croatia and China (haciendas of tranquility, those countries are) have started offering a service that allows patrons to sit in pools of water and be eaten by fish. Just think of how relaxed Quint looked in the final scene from Jaws! I am being glib, of course but not by much. The spas have you sit in the water and unleash the Garra Rufa fish, which apparently feeds on your dead skin cells. Gives a whole new meaning to being chewed out (rim shot).

4. High Colonic – I can’t describe this particular treatment step by step. This is a family blog. Lets just say that this treatment cleans you out … BIG TIME … using a series of hoses and warm water. This isn’t for everybody of course.. because the preparation for this treatment is a BIT UNCOMFORTABLE, and kind of hurts. But as soon as the warm water is introduced… well … I imagine there is a very calming effect. It will stop you in your tracks. I would actually recommend this treatment to Brian Kelly while he is on the sideline cursing at someone’s kid. Just turn the cameras away before it starts.

3. Panthermal Therapy – If HAL 2000 wanted Dave to take a load off his mind, he might have suggested this. For a mere $175 (!) you are enclosed in large steel box and a series of robotic arms surround you and spray you with concentrated blasts of steam. I am not sure this is a way to “relax” because it doesn’t sound “survivable”. I wonder if there is a label inside the metal box that says “IN THE EVENT OF A FIRE, SIMPLY ACCEPT YOUR FATE.” Oh that’s right, there is no label because the steam has peeled it off.

2. Hot Stone Massage – My mother swears by this one, and just about every massage therapy establishment probably offers it. I have never gotten one of these because I am frightened. Call me crazy, but I would rather be rubbed by hands than rocks. Plus, I read “The Lottery” in middle school so I am always weary when people start picking up rocks around me. Now if the stone in question was “Emma”, I would enthusiastically rob a bank to get one of those.

1. Herbal Body Wrap – I seriously don’t understand this one at all. One website I found claims Herbal Body Wraps are an effective way to firm the skin, slim the body, treat cellulite, clear the skin, detoxify the skin, and help the body to produce new collagen and elastin. I guess I always thought I was “detoxifying” my skin by using soap, but what do i know? If you have ever been at lunch and longed to be one of your grape leaf appetizers, I suppose this is your ticket to paradise. You will be completely ensconced in herbs and presumably smell like my Patchouli loving friend from High School.

Take your pick, Brian Kelly. You’re welcome.

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