By: Eric Thomas
Grilling season hits a second gear this week with the 4th of July. You have probably used your grill a couple of times by now, or lately you could just hold cuts of meat outside your door. It’s been really hot lately. What you don’t know is that your grill probably stinks. If that bothers you than I present a list of the most awesome grills made possible by the profligation of capitalism.
Let’s start with this: I can’t stand gas grills. Perhaps it’s because I hail from the primitive hill tribes of Flint, but gas grills taste like my food was rolled in wax. The only way to grill in my estimation is get one of those round things that hold charcoal and risk the future of your property with some lighter fluid and a regular BIC lighter. I’m not actually balding. I burned my hair off, like a man. I often assume that gas grill owners trot to their Priuses after their meal and spend the afternoon hugging trees.
If you aren’t willing to burn to death, you aren’t willing to cook good steak. That’s my bias, and you know it moving forward. I think all of these grills are designed by people who are scared of the three leg metal grill, because many of them have safety features. You want safety? Go get an easy bake oven. Anyway, if you want your Grill to be awesome, go with any of these.
Fire Magic Echelon Series: Yeah, that’s the name. These things look like you are cooking on the ship from 2001: A Space Odyssey. These grills have more features than your car, and feature a stainless steel finish that will show every one of your child’s smeary fingertips. They have flavor grids (?), digital temperature read outs, and halogen lamps. The website claims that cooking something that is made of stainless steel will reflect heat in a perfect way. Like a Delorean, I suppose. The thing that the Fire Magic grill cooks really well is your money. The top of the line model will set you back $9,000. If you want to throw a ridiculous amount of money on something that should cost $50, go right ahead. I would only point out that the name “Fire Magic” brings to mind Prometheus, and we all know how that worked out. I would get worried if I saw an eagle.
EVO Grill – Do you go to Mongolian BBQ and wish you had a grill like that at your house? You never thought that the act of cooking on an impossibly hot circle with giant sticks should be left to the professionals because your children would certainly run into it at full speed? No? Okay, well the EVO grill is for you. While Fire Magic looks like a spaceship, this is just a searing hot circle in the middle of your yard. The safest way to go will probably be the wheel cart version, and that will set you back $3,000. Almost a bargain when compared to the Fire Magic and you can start practicing the songs you are going to sing while you cook. That Imagine Dragons song works.
Grillworks – I freaking want one. These bad boys are wood grills. You build a fire out of actual wood and you cook your food like a cave man. This might be the greatest invention ever. They are a little steep at $7,000, but who cares? These have to make the greatest steaks ever. The top of the line model is (not kidding) called the Inferno. Every model comes with a wheel on the side for you to actually lower your food into the flame. Like the bad guy in Temple of Doom. If I owned this grill I might wear the hat with the cow horns while I used it. These come in stand-alone and built in models, and if you have one I want to come over. I might not leave.
Fuego 02 – I kind of hate this one. It’s the smaller version of the lauded Fuego 01, and it looks like something out of a Swedish furniture catalog. It’s highly touted as a miracle of aesthetic genius but I think it looks stupid. It’s an open top grill with no hood and they want to be constantly congratulated for this stroke of genius. On every website they crow that the guy who designed it was a designer at Apple. So what?! The people in Cupertino don’t even like meat? Has an iPhone ever set anything on fire? Well has it? I didn’t think so. You really want me to be impressed that you can’t see the drawer on the bottom? Are you going to impress your guests with that? “Hey there is no drawer there! Oh wait yes there is. Million laughs, Bob.” This grill sets you back $2000, but you can never buy back your pride.