Reporting Eric Thomas
By Eric Thomas
So, who’s a fan of The Onion and its wealth of news and sports satire? Here’s my attempt to follow suit … The scores are real, the people are not.
The Detroit Tigers beat the Toronto Blue Jays 11-1 on Thursday afternoon, leaving Tiger fans with little to complain about as they left the ballpark under a cloud-lit and drizzly sky. Fans who turned out to boo the bullpen were left scratching the tops of their ponchos, wondering when the Tigers would disappoint them so they could continue with their plans to be angry at the team.
“I don’t understand it,” said Wayne Holden of Howell, “even Omar Infante got two hits. Better luck next time, I guess.”
Fans who flocked to the park following yesterday’s bullpen implosion got their hopes up early when the Tigers jumped to a 6-1 lead for the second time in consecutive games. Social media network Twitter was already abuzz with predictions of failure, sarcastic jokes and demands that Tiger’s skipper Jim Leyland be dismissed during the ceremonial singing of “Take Me Out to the Ballgame.” To the shock and dismay of fans who gathered to witness a Tiger failure, the team not only held their six run lead but scored another four runs in the fifth and yet another in the sixth.
Some fans remain more committed to their cause. “Andy Dirks went 0 for four,” said Carly Slothrup of Warren, “this team would be lucky to be in last place.”
Some fans in attendance spent their ride to the park coming up with clever chants about the bullpen, deciding who they would boo in the lineup, devising what verbs rhyme with Villarreal, constructing two syllable words and phrases that accurately describe what a disaster this season has been after nine games; all had their hopes dashed and hard work ruined when the Tigers played well. Doug Fister gave up only one run in eight innings before Al Alburquerque gave up none in the ninth and the lineup scored eleven runs.
“It’s a tough break for us,” admitted Tiger fan Monty Madison, who drove all the way from Muskegon for a chance to jeer the team. “You gotta take your hat off to them; they were good on both sides of the ball today. We just have to keep our head up and go on to the next game.”
One Tiger fan who wished to remain anonymous, admitted to reporters “I miss Ryan Raburn. You could always count on him.”
Not all Tigers fans left so discouraged, Horace Incandenza from Sterling Heights doesn’t feel like the game against the Blue Jays was any reason to take his palm off the panic button. “They only have, like, 153 games to turn this around and they have a losing record. It’s World Series or bust for this team and I don’t know if they have time to turn it around.” When reminded that the team has a winning record at 5-4, he bravely stood his ground. “I heard it was a losing record from my friend, so I don’t know. Still, four losses is pretty bad this early in the season.”
Mother Nature tried to lend a helping hand to give Tigers fans something to complain about, with seemingly sub zero temperatures at times and a near constant drizzle for much of the afternoon. Still, fans looking for something to complain about still have another five months to find something. The season is just getting started, no reason to panic about anything yet.
**People quoted in this story have had their names changed because they are fictional and don’t exist. This blog is intended as humor.