Q: What is proper attire for Jobbie Nooner?

A: Ah, yes. Jobbie Nooner. Gull Island’s black-tie event. The Mardis Gras of the Midwest. The place where the babes, bikinis and beers are flowing.  You better believe we’ll be there!

So, what exactly is the proper attire for such a classy event? For women, it’s simple. Slap on your skimpiest bikini and you’re ready to go!

But for men, well, you guys are a little bit more complicated (in more ways than one).

You’re probably thinking that your safest bet would be to sport just a normal pair of swim trunks. Simple, right? WRONG! Simple would be the case if there weren’t multiple men out there that don’t know what “normal” swim trunks consist of.

When we say “normal,” we don’t mean trunks so low that when you bend over to pick up your beer, you reveal a deep trench in Lake St. Clair that could cause permanent damage to all parties involved. Guys, the beautiful beach babes don’t want to see your buttcrack.

“Normal” does not mean wearing trunks so tight that when you stretch to catch a football in the water, your shorts split right up the seam. Once again, ladies don’t want to see your buttcrack. Or any other silhouette of a man that should be left up to the imagination for that matter.

And for the WORST offender of them all…

“Normal” does not, in any way, shape, or form, mean wearing swim trunks that show your gross, hairy, pasty man thighs. Man thighs are not sexy! In fact, man thighs are the least sexiest thing in the entire world. We’re pretty sure that 99.9999% of women have never thought, “man, he has an attractive pair of man thighs.” Ew. No thank you.

Also, for those of you wondering, water shoes are never acceptable. They don’t exactly scream sex appeal. If your little footsies are sensitive to the rocky shore, suck it up and wear your oldest pair of mandles (man sandles) in the water for the day. We promise, you’ll survive.

If you DO happen to have on the proper swim trunks, make sure to stop by our boat this Friday at Gull Island from 11am-1:30pm. We’ll be hanging out in our Third Coast Bikinis with Mickey Shorr & Wilson Marine for the perfect day of playing hooky out on the water while enjoying the sunshine. We’ll be giving away koozies, Ticket swag and other cool prizes. Don’t forget your sunscreen! ;)

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