By: Eric Thomas

The Detroit Lions will lose to the Washington Redskins on Sunday. It’s as certain as a sunrise.

Lions fans will scream “hater” and Redskin fans will laugh aloud and point in the general direction of Snyder, Shanahan and Shanahan. None of them inspire any confidence, and Mike Shanahan looks like he was hewn from the same mahogany furniture as John Boehner. If you only evaluate the teams on the last two games, the Lions look like they’ll win in a walk. DC’s defense has been a burgundy and gold carpet, and they face the best wide receiver in the game on Sunday. Skins fans probably remember the last two meetings against the Lions, the first when Matt Stafford led an untalented team to victory and the second when Ndamukong Suh devoured Donavan McNabb and Rex Grossman. The last thing they want to see is Reggie Bush against their struggling run defense.

The Redskins have everything to prove on Sunday; if they go 0-3 their season becomes a tire fire. Fans from in and around the Beltway spent the winter speaking of ligaments in hushed tones, blissfully unaware that their defense was another year older and apparently incapable of stopping anyone who may or may not be carrying the ball. The Lions are coming off a tough loss against the Cardinals where the team collapsed like a kicked tent in the second half, unable to summon a single first down after Reggie Bush left the field with an injured knee. The always frustrated Lions fan base is in the middle of one of those “what does it all mean” years where they’re staring at their coach and wondering if it’s time to see other people. Both teams have a lot to lose in Landover this Sunday. The Redskins can’t go 0-3. The Lions schedule only gets tougher from here, and the season could spin out of control if they get mired in a long losing streak.

The Redskins will be 1-2 after the horn on Sunday. A few people are picking the Lions in this game, but they’re looking at the players, schemes and circumstances on the field. Outsiders don’t adjust for the other factors that have long plagued one of the NFL’s most disappointing franchises. There’s more than meets the eye. Think of the following analysis a bit like quantum theory, where you must use complicated mathematical equations to understand the behavior of individual atoms because they aren’t visible. With “Lions Theory” you must study not just the personnel but the history of the franchise to snap an accurate picture of what will happen Sunday.

Examples of Lions Theory include:

  • Joey Harrington turns into Brett Favre and beats the Lions on Thanksgiving Day
  • Marty takes the wind
  • The Lions were 2-0 heading into Philly in 2007 against an “over the hill” Donovan McNabb; Lions lost 56-21
  • Paul Edinger’s kick on December 24, 2000
  • Charles Rogers, Mike Williams, Roy Williams, Ernie Sims, Gosder Cherilus, Charles Rogers, Boss Bailey, Kevin Jones, Brandon Pettigrew, Titus Young, Stockar McDougal…this could go on longer but your blogger has lost the strength.

The Lions have one of the best offenses in the NFL, but it doesn’t matter. The performance of the Redskins offensive line is predicated on how fast RG3 can run, and the Lions have three first-round draft picks on their D-Line. A national website used to the word “Mollywhopped” to describe the severity of the schooling the Redskins received at Lambeau Field. Again, it doesn’t matter.

The Lions haven’t won in DC…ever. The Lions beat the Boston Redskins at Fenway Park in 1935 before the team was moved to DC, and that’s the only road win against the franchise in history. The Lions come in to face a team with its back against the wall. RG3 is coming off back to back embarrassing performances and appears poised to look like the second coming of Sonny Jurgensen from last year.

The most consistent principle of Lions theory: If they look like they’re going to hit by a truck, they do. If this smacks of cynicism (maybe even basting in it), that’s a fine accusation, but Lions Theory has been developed under decades of pressure and patience. Like coal.

Shanny & Son seem completely incompetent in handling any aspect of the team. Offense, defense, player safety and presumably the catering schedule seem far beyond their capabilities. Redskins fans are justifiably sick of them. They’ll get the win this week and probably by a ton of points—all because of Lions Theory. Write it down.


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