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Too Soon? ‘The Onion’ Mocks Lack Of Jobs In Detroit

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Satirical newspaper the Onion ceased publication in Los Angeles and San Francisco in 2009. (credit:  Justin Sullivan/Getty Images, File)

Satirical newspaper the Onion ceased publication in Los Angeles and San Francisco in 2009. (credit: Justin Sullivan/Getty Images, File)

By Marisa Fusinski, WWJ Webmaster

DETROIT (CBS Detroit) – Do you ever worry things are so tough out there that you’ll never work in this town again?

In a “Commentary” on the satirical news website “The Onion,” a faux Mayor Dave Bing promises exactly that.

The writer, in the article appearing Tuesday, speaks directly to Detroiters, making a mockery of the decline of manufacturing in the Motor City.

Basically, it’s a fake letter from Bing to the metro area’s unemployed:

“Listen up, pal, ’cause I’m gonna give it to you straight. We all know you helped build this town. Hell, there was a time when you made this town tick. But times have changed, and your time is long past, buddy. You’re finished, get it? Done. Through. You’re all washed up,” the writer promises — that text appearing next to a photo of the soon-outgoing  Detroit Mayor,

“Seriously, if you’re even thinking about applying for a job with decent pay and benefits in this town, you’re out of your [expletive deleted] skull. There are nearly 200,000 people in the metro area who need work—do you actually believe that there’s going to be a position for you? … Not in this town. Not on your life.”

Addressing “Mr. Factory Worker,” the bogus Bing gets specific, mentioning defunct car brands Mercury, Saturn, and Oldsmobile, and specific neighborhoods in which, the writer contends, no jobs will be found — including the east side, the west side, Delray, Dearborn and Auburn Hills.

“We’re talking about six decades of solid decline in a city whose economy was propped up by a single industry … If we have any working buses left, catch the next one out of town and never come back … Fold your hand and walk away if you still can, because there’s nothing for you here.”

Too soon, Detroit?

The Onion’s ribbing comes at a sensitive time, as a Detroiters trickle to the polls on election day in the city. A 20 percent voter turnout is expected Tuesday to choose a new mayor who will be largely powerless as Detroit remains under the control of a state-appointed emergency manager.

Meantime, a trial continues to determine whether Detroit can legally declare bankruptcy.

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