Local

Top 10 Reasons David Letterman Should Retire In Detroit

View Comments
NEW YORK - SEPTEMBER 21:  In this handout provide by the White House, U.S. President Barack Obama talks to TV Host David Letterman (R) during a taping of "The Late Show with David Letterman" at the Ed Sullivan Theater on September 21, 2009 in New York City. Obama is serving as the 44th President of the U.S. and the first African-American to be elected to the office of President in the history of the United States.  (Photo by Pete Souza/White House via Getty Images)

NEW YORK – SEPTEMBER 21: In this handout provide by the White House, U.S. President Barack Obama talks to TV Host David Letterman (R) during a taping of “The Late Show with David Letterman” at the Ed Sullivan Theater on September 21, 2009 in New York City. Obama is serving as the 44th President of the U.S. and the first African-American to be elected to the office of President in the history of the United States. (Photo by Pete Souza/White House via Getty Images)

Get Breaking News First

Receive News, Politics, and Entertainment Headlines Each Morning.
Sign Up

By Christy Strawser, CBS Detroit
So, “Late Show’s” venerable host David Letterman suddenly announced Thursday he plans to retire in 2015.

The nation is mourning.

But I think it hits us especially hard in Detroit. We love TV — how else could we survive winter? — and we don’t necessarily have much else: our largest city is in shambles, the roads are crumbling. It’s unclear if the Red Wings will make the playoffs.

In the interest of cheering us up, I think he should throw us a bone and retire right here in Detroit. Here are the top 10 reasons:

10. We have plenty of stupid humans available, presumably many could learn tricks with which to entertain him.

9. With these real estate prices, he could afford something really nice, spread out, make himself at home. The median list price per square foot in New York City is $412; in Detroit, it’s $37. Why buy a condo when you could purchase a neighborhood?

8. We have at least a few buildings tall enough to throw things off.

7. We have a governor who calls himself a tough nerd. There’s plenty of fodder in there.

6. We head south on the expressway to get to Canada. Also plenty of fodder there.

5. Letterman loves baseball, and our biggest baseball star makes commercials like this: (What the heck is Miggy doing here?) He also makes gems like this. It’s a laugh riot.

4. We invented the coney dog, and our potato chip consumption is the highest per capita in the country. Nothing says “happy retirement” like coney dogs and potato chips.

3. Letterman loves cars. And that’s what we do here. Why ship them to New York when you could drive them off the line?

2. You never know when the apocalypse is coming. And when it happens, you want Detroiters on your side. Scorched earth doesn’t scare us.

1. Robocop lives here.

 

 

View Comments
blog comments powered by Disqus
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 1,972 other followers