Top 10 Reasons David Letterman Should Retire In Detroit

By Christy Strawser, CBS Detroit
So, “Late Show’s” venerable host David Letterman suddenly announced Thursday he plans to retire in 2015.

The nation is mourning.

But I think it hits us especially hard in Detroit. We love TV — how else could we survive winter? — and we don’t necessarily have much else: our largest city is in shambles, the roads are crumbling. It’s unclear if the Red Wings will make the playoffs.

In the interest of cheering us up, I think he should throw us a bone and retire right here in Detroit. Here are the top 10 reasons:

10. We have plenty of stupid humans available, presumably many could learn tricks with which to entertain him.

9. With these real estate prices, he could afford something really nice, spread out, make himself at home. The median list price per square foot in New York City is $412; in Detroit, it’s $37. Why buy a condo when you could purchase a neighborhood?

8. We have at least a few buildings tall enough to throw things off.

7. We have a governor who calls himself a tough nerd. There’s plenty of fodder in there.

6. We head south on the expressway to get to Canada. Also plenty of fodder there.

5. Letterman loves baseball, and our biggest baseball star makes commercials like this: (What the heck is Miggy doing here?) He also makes gems like this. It’s a laugh riot.

4. We invented the coney dog, and our potato chip consumption is the highest per capita in the country. Nothing says “happy retirement” like coney dogs and potato chips.

3. Letterman loves cars. And that’s what we do here. Why ship them to New York when you could drive them off the line?

2. You never know when the apocalypse is coming. And when it happens, you want Detroiters on your side. Scorched earth doesn’t scare us.

1. Robocop lives here.




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