Soccer Is Awesome: Team USA Moves On Even Though They Lost!

By: Eric Thomas

YEAH!!! USA! USA! Team USA, who entered the World Cup tournament with little chance of winning, advanced out of the so-called “group of death” and advanced to the knockout round. USA wins! Well, actually, they didn’t win. They lost—but they didn’t LOSE BY ENOUGH! YAAAY! APPLE PIE! KID ROCK! BEER IN CANS!

Yeah, Germany is really good. Germany has always been good at the World Cup. They’ve been in the final game many times. They won three times even though the United Nations divided the country in half at the close of hostilities in World War Two. America never really had a chance in this game; the fütball talent level on the Rein is head and shoulders above ours. That was especially obvious in the game against Germany on Thursday afternoon.

Who cares?! Team USA moves on! Suck it, England! Take your limey redcoat crumpets along with Sir George Prévost and beat it. George Washington in Yorktown…and…uh…Andy Murray is from Scotland.

More soccer in America is awesome. First, you have to love the old fogies whining and screaming about soccer’s recent run of popularity in the States. That has to be the funniest part of Team USA’s run. Old men with socks to their knees, shaking their fists in disdain, screaming about how much they hate it and how the sport will never be big in America, while the world collectively gathers on their front lawn. Codgers make for the best entertainment around right now.

Second, we all have a collective lack of understanding about what’s happening. There’s an odd community in that. Even purported experts don’t seem totally sure how USA is still in competition after drawing against Portugal and losing to the Germans. We share this confusion together. We cheer until someone tells us we shouldn’t anymore.

Third, it’s giving us something to do in the summer. It’s almost like World Cup soccer was scheduled with the American attention span in mind. Baseball has reached the basically meaningless middle part of the season, football has the summer off, and everyone is tired of talking about LeBron James. It’s a welcome respite from the hum-drumming grind that happens every year in American sports.

Conflicted about all this? Do you feel strange about cheering a loss? If anything, it should make you love soccer that much more. You tie, that’s cool. You lose, SO WHAT?! The only thing that matters is Team USA moved on! YEAH! What happens next? Who cares? Does it really matter? USA! USA! USA!


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