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Mike Valenti’s ‘Make Plays’ Rant: Top 11 One-Liners

By @GeorgeJFox

An on-air rant for the ages back in 2006 solidified Mike Valenti’s reputation in Detroit and beyond as a fiery watchdog in the world of sports talk radio.

Valenti’s tirade on the breakdown of Michigan State when they blew a 17-point lead to Notre Dame spanned an unheard of 17 minutes. Even his co-host Terry Foster couldn’t get him to slow down as Mike lost most of his voice and dropped a flurry of criticism for the MSU players and coaches.

It was like watching a boxer battle the odds as you egged him on, wondering how much longer he could continue. It’s something many metro Detroit sports fans will never forget.

I’ve ranked all of the best 11 one-liners, wisecracks and jabs from Mike Valenti’s epic 2006 performance. There were just too many for a top 10.

Spartan head coach John L. Smith during the game between the Michigan State Spartans and the Notre Dame Fighting Irish at Spartan Stadium in East Lansing, Michigan on Saturday, September 23, 2006. (Photo by S. Levin/Getty Images)

Spartan head coach John L. Smith during the game between the Michigan State Spartans and the Notre Dame Fighting Irish at Spartan Stadium in East Lansing, Michigan on Saturday, September 23, 2006. (Photo by S. Levin/Getty Images)

Tweet me your favorite. I might be convinced to change the order.

11: We don’t know what we’re doing out here. Help us. Make plays!

10: You got your secondary floating on dinghies. … Let alone the fact your stupid-assed blitz packages never get home ever EVER.

9: They had ’em by the throat and instead of cutting it real deep and watching the blood squirt all over you let ’em get into halftime so fat boy could feed ’em pudding.

8: What I saw on Saturday night in a driving rain with my onions soaked with my voice shattered was an out and out choke job. *choking noises*

7: Michigan State handed it away like a nice three-button coat at the Salvation Army.

6: Shame on this coaching staff for puckering. … 38-17 to Notre Dame last year. *puckering noises* pucker pucker pucker.

5: They mismanaged the clock again. They didn’t use their time-outs right again and they allowed an opponents to get into halftime and make adjustments AGAIN.

4: Michigan State sat there and choked on apple sauce. *choking noises*

3: What the hell are you doing in a shotgun in a monsoon? You’re asking Drew Stanton to run the option in Hurricane Katrina.

2: Note to John L. Smith. Learn the effin’ rules and understand that your time-outs are not like cellphone minutes. They don’t carry over.

1: You are the worst defensive coordinator ever. I’d rather have H.R. Pufnstuf with Teddy Ruxpin as an assistant than to have you in this booth one more week.

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