By: Eric Thomas

As promised in an earlier blog, here’s your Game of Thrones season three recap. In typing this, I’ve come to realize how frighteningly complicated this show is. I’ve written about six characters and haven’t even come CLOSE to writing a complete recap. I suppose this is why the books are 1000+ pages long.

It’s incomplete, but here goes:

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Tyrion Lannister – He’s one of the two best characters in the series, but he’s spent most of this season with little to do. (GET IT?) Last year everyone’s favorite imp was Hand of King. In that role, he was always a step ahead of everyone, managing to keep King’s Landing safe from the Lord Stannis’ advancing army, and kept the city safe-ish from Joffrey’s more murderous urges. This year, he spent most of his time shacked up with Shae after a cruel demotion to Master of Coin, and mired amid increasingly humiliating conversations with his father and sister. In recent episodes he was forcibly betrothed to Sansa Stark, a political move that descended him into drunken depression. I understand that the character must face choppy waters, but it’s so much fun to see Tyrion in drunken debauchery. It more fun when Tyrion had power, but he remains among the best characters on the show even though they’ve left him without much to manipulate.

Jamie Lannister – You’ve gotta give the Jamie a hand, (hahahahahaha, spit) he’s finally gotten back in the game. After attacking Ned Stark in the streets of King’s Landing, the Kingslayer was captured by Rob Stark in one of the most anticlimactic moments in the series (the war is starting…it’s over and they captured Jamie). He’s been mostly a bystander until this season, when Locke cut off his sword / sister loving hand in episode three this year. Jamie dropped into a depression worthy of John Keats, a strange sight for someone who normally has more confidence than Dwight Howard. The droopy dog act luckily didn’t last long for the Lion on Lanister. He got his groove back in episode seven, when he saved Brienne (his former captor) from execution via “eaten by bear.”

Jon Snow – Jon Snow is the only boring character on the show. He’s a nauseating noble pretty boy of self sacrifice. He was valiant, noble and gullible when he joined the Night’s Watch and now he’s thrown in with the wild people north of the wall. Remember Jack from Lost? Exactly, a crushing bore that people feel compelled to root for. It’s hard to say where this whole story line is going (stop yelling at the screen, people who’ve read the books) and when it’s over I’m going to wonder if it could’ve been axed. At least Jon lost his virginity, so that’s something.

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Joffrey Baratheon – The boy king is among the strongest characters in the history of television, I say that because of how strongly I hate him. I have never, in any work of fiction or otherwise, nurtured such a reptilian, violent, loathing of this intensity over anything ever. If I ever met the actor in person – even though I am a grown man who understands that Joffrey is an invented character, essentially an allegory for how power in the hands of someone young can transform them into something unmerciful – I would strongly consider a throat punch. That’s how amazing this show is. Game of Thrones is full of magnificently complicated characters, but there isn’t even a redeeming drop in Joffrey. Last season he was on a murderous rampage that managed to rival the dreams of Vlad the Impaler. This year he’s mellowed a bit, taking time to find solace in his new hobby of personally murdering prostitutes. I suppose homicide is a step in the right direction as opposed to genocide. I’m torn between hoping that Joffrey meets some grisly demise and my desire to keep this character I hate so much on the screen.

Arya Stark – She’s done well since escaping from Harrenhal. She took up camping with Gendry and Hot Pie. She was captured by the Brotherhood without Banners and sharpened her archery skills. Disillusioned by the brotherhood, she attempted yet another escape (what’s with this girl and the escaping?) only to find herself captured by the Hound and apparently on her way to Robb Stark for a ransom. Hope nothing else goes wrong for Arya, she’s had it rough enough.

Daenerys Targaryen – Dany had a tough year season two. Many Game of Thrones fans might argue with that she had a tougher year in season one where she was sold into slavery, her husband died, as did her brother, and her son was killed by a witch. Please, Stormborn’s second season was far more embarrassing than that. The Mother of Dragons spent last season getting carnied by low life snake oil salesmen in Qarth. She almost became zombie food before her kids bailed her out. In the end she wound up acting like a meth addict and stole stuff to buy a new ride. Who is she, Titus Young? This season has been fun for the Targaryen princess. She’s now in command of an army, the unsullied, and it turns out that she’s the most proactive opponent of slavery since John Brown. In recent episodes, she’s making moves on the city of Yunkai, demanding that they release their slaves or she and her army will take the city. The city of Yunkai hired assassins to take her out, but one of the assassins killed the others and pledged his loyalty to Dany. She’s winning wars based only on her hotness.

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Two episodes to go. I’ll do a review of Sunday’s show after it airs. Look for it here on Tuesday.