By: Dan Leach
@dtmleach

Well the 2014 Detroit Lions season is finally here and what a way to start the season off with a bang as the Lions play their first ever season opening Monday Night Football game in franchise history.  I am going to take a look at each game as the Lions try to do the unthinkable, actually make the playoffs with a team that has enough talent to do so, a novel concept in Motown. Football is back!

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Week 1 vs. New York Giants – Opening Night Monday Night Football – Eli Manning gets lost on his way to the stadium after a late night casino fest in Windsor, ends up in Toronto thinking he just signed a new deal to play for the Bon Jovi Bills. Doesn’t matter as the Giants offense will be lost themselves all season anyway.

 

LIONS 38 GIANTS 17  DETROIT  1-0

 

 

Week 2 At Carolina Panthers – Cam Newton decides he needs more rest after playing too much Madden 15 during the week, but it doesn’t matter as Derek Anderson is the next Tom Brady right?

 

PANTHERS 28 LIONS 24   1-1

 

 

Week 3 VS Green Bay Packers – Packers decide that defense isn’t that important the night before the Lions game and put all their focus on offense, special teams, uniform cleanliness, and Aaron Rodgers mustache assistant.  Learn the hard way that you have to play defense in the NFL if you can’t at least try to win.

 

LIONS 41 PACKERS 20 2-1

 

 

Week 4 At New York Jets – Rex Ryan decides his best chance to beat the Lions is to play Geno Smith and Mike Vick at the same time. The Smith/Vick Broadway experience revival loses its financial backers due to a horrible review from the Penny Saver and Village Voice.

 

LIONS 25 Jets 14    3-1

 

 

Week 5 Vs Buffalo Bills – Jim Schwartz’s return to Ford Field is trumpeted louder than when Neil Armstrong came back from the Moon. “Don’t tell me I’m scared” T-Shirt sales trend worldwide the week of the game and it’s all for naught as the Schwartz sadly can’t coach well for or against the Lions when it matters most.

 

LIONS 32 BILLS 17 4-1

 

 

Week 6 At  Minnesota Vikings –  Teddy Bridge “Over Troubled” Water makes his first NFL start against the Lions. The TCF Bank Stadium DJ goes overboard though and plays nothing but Simon and Garfunkel the entire game, ruining any Vikings chance at winning.

 

LIONS 24 VIKINGS 17 5-1

 

 

Week 7 Vs. New Orleans Saints – “Oh when the Saints, Oh when the Saints, Oh When the Saints”….bring the Lions back down to Earth!

 

SAINTS 34 LIONS 27 5-2

 

 

Week 8 At Atlanta Falcons – In London England – In a game attended by dignitaries Sir Paul McCartney, Sir Elton John, Sir Eric Clapton , and Sirs One Direction, there is a deep rooted English feel to the proceedings. Sadly it causes the Falcons to drive/run/pass on the wrong side of the field.

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LIONS 38 FALCONS 28 6-2

 

 

 

Bye Week- In a strange twist of fate the Lions scrimmage against the BYE, run a vanilla offense, and ends in a tie. They are lauded for their passion and effort against an inferior opponent for once.

 

 

Week 10 Vs. Miami Dolphins – Dan Marino sends the Lions entire organization a lifetime supply of Isotoner gloves after he feels bad about picking his former team on the CBS’ NFL Today and realizing Joey Harrington doesn’t play for them anymore.

 

LIONS 28 DOLPHINS 14  7-2

 

 

Week 11 At Arizona Cardinals – Carson Palmer does his best John Skelton impersonation. Lions don’t know how to handle it nor playing on black top ala Eastern Michigan’s Rynearson Stadium, when the University of Phoenix geniuses can’t load the retractable field back into the stadium.

 

CARDINALS 31 LIONS 28 7-3

 

Week 12 At New England Patriots – Terrific Tom Brady’s simple gaze into Lions defenders eyes is enough to throw off their entire game plan and ability to tackle.

 

PATS 35 LIONS 25 7-4

 

 

Week 13 Vs. Chicago Bears – Jay Cutler feeling too cozy with Matt Stafford after sharing the SI NFL Preview Cover issue with him, decides it’s in his best interest to stay on Stafford’s good side so he can get an invite to Matt and Kelly’s wedding, by throwing 5 picks and fumbling the ball on every other possession.

 

LIONS 41 BEARS 17 8-4

 

Week 14 At Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Without Greg Schiano patrolling the sidelines for the Bucs this season , The Lions actually don’t drop key passes this time around that cost them their season.

 

LIONS 32 BUCS 10 9-4

 

Week 15 Vs. Minnesota Vikings – The Ford Field “Blizzard Out” promotion goes horribly wrong as with all the fans wearing nothing but white. The Lions think they are back in Wimbledon, England. Lucky the Vikings think they are on Neptune so it all works out in the end.

 

LIONS 37 VIKINGS 17 10-4

 

Week 16 At Chicago Bears –  A late-night eve-of-game trip to the world famous hot dog stand “Wiener Circle” , makes several Lions sick, but to a man say it was simply the best hot dog they could ever have possibly hoped, dreamed, or wished for.

 

BEARS 31 LIONS 21 10-5

 

Week 17 At Green Bay Packers –   An historic heat wave hits Cheeseville just in time for the Lions trip to Lambeau, with temps reaching the high 40’s in late December. Packers nor their defense know what to do with themselves and with Dapper Don Majkowski on the Lions sidelines as an adviser, Detroit wins in G.B for the first time since Ross Perot ran for President.

 

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LIONS 35 PACKERS 31;  11-5 NFC NORTH CHAMPS FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE 1993