By Eric Thomas

It’s been a tough “spring.” March has been an all-around horror show for many across the country, including us here in metro Detroit. Snow has buried us at regular intervals, frigid temperatures persist and your uncle will not stop sending mocking emails because you mentioned global warming at Christmas. Someone sued Punxsutawney Phil. It’s almost unbelievable that Spring Training is winding down and teams are starting to come north, as most of our windows still glow gray from cloud light and snow still collects on our cars.

While we all might want to surrender to the depression, lock ourselves in our homes with a blanket, a bubbling cauldron of stew and cupcakes, we must press on. We still must confront this cold, this snow, make sure Old Man Winter knows he can’t win. The only way to fight this is to mount a resistance and that means we’re going to have to go outside, even though it’s against our better judgement. Let’s face it, we gave up on St Patrick’s Day.

At some point, it’s going to be Opening Day at Comerica Park. It’s probably going to be freezing. This is the part of the year where you get to laugh at that friend who always laments about Ford Field’s dome as he turns into a blue skeleton on the Pepsi Porch. Opening day in the D is always a holiday and we shouldn’t let this nuclear winter turn us the other way. Let’s pool our collective knowledge and work together. Here are five ways to stay warm on Opening Day.

  1. WarmThru G5 Super-Hot Carbon Fibre Fingerheater Gloves – Ultra – Ever looked at your gloves and said, “These are fine, but they aren’t really expensive and powered by batteries!” If you have, the Warmthru company has you covered. These black gloves are connected to battery packs that actively heat your hands. You might break a sweat by the third inning, or on the walk from the parking lot. The good news is that the battery packs are rechargeable, so if you can find an available outlet after you plug in your phone, tablet, laptop, Xbox controller, PS3 controller, e-reader, portable mouse for your laptop and find two spots for your gloves, you’re all set! Some people might be frightened by the $410 price tag, but they probably have cold hands.
  2. HeatStar 600000 BTU Forced Air Diesel Direct Fired Heater – There will be plenty of people who don’t tailgate on Opening Day, because they are cold. Buy this, and you might be able to heat the entire parking lot. This baby seriously has wheels, and it kind of looks like a cruise missile. Imagine pulling this down through downtown Detroit, people might follow you to your parking space. Maybe even charge them to park next to you. The joke will be on them when the polar ice caps melt instantly when you throw the switch.
  3. Mascot Inspired Hats – Don’t have a couple extra thousand dollars sitting around? These will probably be popular. It’s a plush Tiger, inspired by the Tiger mascot Paws, that you can wear on your head. You can use it to keep warm or scare the bejeezus out of your dog. It doesn’t appear to be gender specific, so either Dad or Mom can wear this, virtually guaranteeing your child will spend decades in therapy. If you get on TV with it, your child may file abuse charges.
  4. Whiskey – Now we’re talking. Of course, the “fun police” will point out that alcohol doesn’t raise your blood temperature. Killjoys like doctors and scientists will tell you that alcoholic drinks increase your risk of hypothermia and will make you only more cold in the long run. If you drink enough whiskey you don’t care that you’re cold and that’s enough evidence for plenty of people who will paint themselves royal blue and orange on opening day.
  5. Bar – All the whiskey, none of the risks. Let’s not forget all the bars and restaurants in downtown that will be more than happy to get your business. Let the tourists freeze in those green seats while you slip the waitress your number.