Halloween is a holiday that should be celebrated exclusively by children under the age of 12 and their parents, and of course college students. Other than those groups, no man can put on a costume unless it involves being paid money for some kind of profession or ludicrous bet. I hate the week leading up to Halloween, and the weekend immediately before or after, because of the insufferable Halloween parties. If I want to go to a party, I don’t want to deal with costumes, makeup, props, etc. But I hate this Halloween weekend in particular because of the picture you see posted here.

That’s my friend and he shall remain nameless. He recently got a new girlfriend and is in the “I’ll do whatever she wants to keep her interested” phase (as we all do). Recently he gave up a Sunday of Lions football and World Series baseball to carve pumpkins. He actually watched the movie Hocus Pocus. However, my friend crossed the line into The Land Of Pathetic Whip Victims when he bought the costume he plans to wear this weekend.

When he told everyone he was going as Batman, I told him to pick something else. No one looks good in a Batman costume, except for Christian Bale. The reason for this is simple: it costs millions of dollars of professional costuming and makeup to not look like a tool. Remember in The Dark Knight when Joker was killing all of those fat, ratty-looking Batmen in hockey pads? That’s what my friend looks like. All because his girlfriend said he had to dress up for a holiday for elementary kids.

Earlier this week, Mike and Terry rightfully trashed Jeff Riger for his unmanly engagement photos that surfaced on Facebook. I understand we all do things to keep the women in our lives happy, but this is extreme. Riger can never look any of us in the eye again, and my friend deserves to be attacked by dogs in a parking garage by a lunatic clown’s henchmen. Rest In Peace, Manliness. You died a little more this week.


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