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Your Sports Weekend Drinking Guide

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(Photo by Amy Sussman/Getty Images for The New Yorker)

(Photo by Amy Sussman/Getty Images for The New Yorker)

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By Eric Thomas 

Weekends are for two things: sports and drinking. Sure, there are other activities mixed in as well, but let’s face it—the only guarantees this weekend are that you’re gonna watch sports and you’re gonna drink.

This weekend will be EPIC. You might not have even thought about how it yet, many of us forgot that football is even HAPPENING.  There will be LOCAL games happening DAY AND NIGHT the next few days. Have you prepared? Have you?

The weather isn’t too bad, so you might want to go out for a few these. Maybe a packed bar for the Tigers games or a buddy’s house. If you don’t go out, you need a PLAN. If you’re going to strap your face to the TV for 48 hours, some preparation needs to be done. The last thing you want to do is run out of supplies while a game is going on and you have to drunkenly beg your wife or girlfriend to go the store and then even if she goes she won’t take you because you’re drunk and she never gets the right thing so you have to sit there and drink some awful beer because she doesn’t know what she’s doing.

Here’s your weekend drinking guide:

Friday Night—Rest your eyes and get everything out of the way. Hang out with your girlfriend (or boyfriend) and talk to them about whatever they want to talk about. If she wants to talk about the government shutdown or reality TV or some nonsense—this is the day to do it. You’re gonna be wrapped in a cocoon of awesome TV for the next 48 hours, so make Friday night count with whoever you want to shut up. I recommend Bulliet Bourbon. It’s got a good, smoky flavor and it mixes well if you don’t want to take it neat. Make sure you buy the big bottle because bourbon seems to evaporate once you open it—at least that’s my theory. 

MSU v Indiana—This is the morning game, to be enjoyed with a cup of coffee and some sour cream pancakes. Have some Jameson around the house? Dump it in, or make the pancakes with it. This is a good game to nurse a hangover because very little will happen—you can keep the warm eye pillow on and just listen to the game. If you really went nuts on Friday (like drank two bottles of bourbon), break out the Bloody Marys (use Tito’s Vodka if you’re going this way). MSU’s offense came alive last week, and everyone is expecting them to do the same against the Hoosiers, because they’re the B1G’s worst defense. Expect MSU to roll. 

UM @ Penn—Nachos. I trust you have an awesome Nacho recipe, because who doesn’t? Buy black bean chips if you haven’t been to the store yet. They won’t even get soggy in a rainstorm and they can hold as much as a Hi-Lo. Start drinking slowly in the second half. Let’s go stout beer here—if you just got paid, try Bourbon Barrel Stout, but Guiness will do. UM is favored by Vegas, but this is a real test for Devin Gardner in the hostile environment of Happy Valley. Michigan will win…but barely.

Tigers @ Red Sox, ALCS Game 1—Keep that thick beer going. If the stout is starting to fill you up, switch to a brown or red ale. The Red Sox are a meat grinder, and Anibal Sanchez is coming off his worst playoff game as a Tiger. If Sanchez exits early, you might want to switch to harder stuff—stay away from the bourbon if you’ve been drinking big beers all night. Go James Bond and switch to a Vodka Martini (stirred not shaken…Bond wasn’t right about everything). Make your Martini with Chopin Vodka and you’ll barely even need any Vermouth.

Lions @ Browns—The Lions usually justify an early drinking start. Some fans take straight everclear in the parking lot before weaving into Ford Field. You’ve got a long day, so unless you’re going to take a nap in between, you’re going to have to pace yourself. If you didn’t do a Bloody Mary on Saturday, go with it here. Mimosas are really good in the morning, but don’t do it in front of your friends because you’ll never live it down. If the Lions start losing to the Browns—which is possible because the team that was supposed to tank is on a three-game winning streak—and you don’t feel like pacing yourself, we turn to Papa Hemingway for “Death in the Afternoon.” Get a stem glass, pour in about an ounce of Absinthe, and fill the rest with cold Champagne. Hemingway suggests that you then, “Drink three to five of these slowly.” Has there ever been a man tougher than Ernest Hemingway?

Tigers @ Red Sox, ALCS Game 2—If Sunday afternoon went Hemingway, have someone wake you up at whatever bus shelter you collapsed in. Game 2 is an 8:07 start. You’ll have time to recover. Take it down a notch for this game and maybe a red wine. If I’m making a suggestion: you can’t go wrong with France. Grab a bottle from the “France” section at the supermarket, and extra points if it says Bourgogne somewhere on the bottle. Beer and whiskey are awesome, but there’s nothing quite like a red wine buzz. Get some stinky cheese if you really want to feel like a liberal. Scherzer pitches in game two, so the Tigers will win. 

Hangover cure: Just get a sports drink and eat an omelette. Quit whining. 

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